BORN TO BE A STAR

I lie down and close my eyes to get some sleep, you float in my eyes and I try to keep you cool with my tears. Do I sleep, I don’t know, am I awake, I don’t know. Sometimes I am conscious of the time, but mostly not. When I awake everyday, the question still remains is why you and why me and why ma and Gani. It hurts not knowing why. Everything goes by the clock, Harish and Gani leave for college, Ma goes for bath, alone I start my first cry of the day. I hate myself seeing in the mirror, I lost you forever and I feel guilty. When you were a kid, when I held in you in my hands, I was holding the whole world in my hands, when on 4th March, when I held your ashes in the urn, I was holding my life in the urn and I put it in the sea, you and me gone forever. Do I do anything really in the day, I don’t know, you keep me company in the office but you don’t touch me when I cry my heart out. Where do I search for you. Ma comes, takes me to our home of silence and what I do afterwards, I don’t know. I feel only hungry, physical pain and the grief, I eat, I lie down and close my eyes. I have become immune to other’s feelings.

When the day ends and when it starts I don’t know, I only know I am getting little closer to you and to know the ultimate truth.

Tell me da, God is supposed to judge all our actions, who judges God’s actions. What is the reason for him to take you away and make us suffer for nothing. Every one says God loves you more, so he took you away, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I love you more and I don’t know how take you away from him, God is unreasonable.

I am totally confused.