Saturday, June 10, 2006
Raja
I have tried everything to get control of myself and be supportive to amma and Gani. Not writing in this blog, going to meditation class, spend the time doing some work, learn programming and for the past 5 days not even looking at your photo and forcibly not think about you and not shedding tears.
Our home is empty, silent, we all just push time with out knowing how long it is going to be. I just realized except for Snow White, none called and calls me Applu since 3/3 including Gani and especially ma.
Honestly nothing works, since last night, whichever way I try, my thoughts are going back to you, your face, your voice, your memories and the last agonizing days.
The questions still remain,
Why you,
Why this calamity to our little contended family who did nothing except good to others
Why this pain to be carried forever to Gani at this age
Why did you make me, ma and of all the people Gani to love you so much
What are we, me, ma and Gani punished for.
I am not a saint, I am an ordinary person with love and affection and I cry today from the bottom of my heart for you. Without realizing, I loved you so much and this unbearable pain is not from my body, it is the pain of my soul.
You rest in peace, that is all I now pray for and to give courage to ma and Gani and my undivided love and and affection to Gani and Ma. I am a goner and there is no "I", any more. - Your dearest Applu.
I have tried everything to get control of myself and be supportive to amma and Gani. Not writing in this blog, going to meditation class, spend the time doing some work, learn programming and for the past 5 days not even looking at your photo and forcibly not think about you and not shedding tears.
Our home is empty, silent, we all just push time with out knowing how long it is going to be. I just realized except for Snow White, none called and calls me Applu since 3/3 including Gani and especially ma.
Honestly nothing works, since last night, whichever way I try, my thoughts are going back to you, your face, your voice, your memories and the last agonizing days.
The questions still remain,
Why you,
Why this calamity to our little contended family who did nothing except good to others
Why this pain to be carried forever to Gani at this age
Why did you make me, ma and of all the people Gani to love you so much
What are we, me, ma and Gani punished for.
I am not a saint, I am an ordinary person with love and affection and I cry today from the bottom of my heart for you. Without realizing, I loved you so much and this unbearable pain is not from my body, it is the pain of my soul.
You rest in peace, that is all I now pray for and to give courage to ma and Gani and my undivided love and and affection to Gani and Ma. I am a goner and there is no "I", any more. - Your dearest Applu.
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Applu,
It's me again. Where am i, if not in your heart? I'm not home? Well, my home has always been your heart and mind. I always respected you and that was accompanied by a certain fear which was probably why i perhaps didn't move as close as i moved with ma. I never dared to say etchakala that very freely in fronta U. But with ma, yes. But that was only cos my respect for you was real strong. I always wanted to be sure of my every action and my every move that would be eyed or heard by u. that's y i didn't broach the topic about starting the agni project as i wanted that to be finalised at our level totally so that i could get talking about it real serious. I worship you, you are my Godfather and father. I will always be the one that seeks nothing but your love. I'm always around. I know u can feel me. I'm here with Murthy Uncle and many others. I do feel guilty to have left you all to an abominable lull there. but i want someone to make a change there. I'm proud of etchagani cos i could so c him with all his might and determination not to cry in the early days of your loneliness. Applu, i will continue to guide Gani thru his every venture - academic, careerwise, personal and anything wat so ever. My irresponsibility and my stupidity is being borne by you all. Hope Paatte is stable these days. She so loved me and i used to bug her so much. Despite her age all that she did for my sake, sigh... I too wish i were there. But Applu, Please never cry. Blog me whenever u just cant control. I know how tough it is. I can feel it cos i too cant express how much i miss you all. i know how much it pains for my Applu.
You are always my icon, my idol, my hero. dont degrade urself. It hurts me.
Try yoga and meditate as much as you can, Applu.
I'll communicate thru every possible means that others cannot c or feel. I'll blend my soul in yours.
Luv ever
Wam Bam Ram
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It's me again. Where am i, if not in your heart? I'm not home? Well, my home has always been your heart and mind. I always respected you and that was accompanied by a certain fear which was probably why i perhaps didn't move as close as i moved with ma. I never dared to say etchakala that very freely in fronta U. But with ma, yes. But that was only cos my respect for you was real strong. I always wanted to be sure of my every action and my every move that would be eyed or heard by u. that's y i didn't broach the topic about starting the agni project as i wanted that to be finalised at our level totally so that i could get talking about it real serious. I worship you, you are my Godfather and father. I will always be the one that seeks nothing but your love. I'm always around. I know u can feel me. I'm here with Murthy Uncle and many others. I do feel guilty to have left you all to an abominable lull there. but i want someone to make a change there. I'm proud of etchagani cos i could so c him with all his might and determination not to cry in the early days of your loneliness. Applu, i will continue to guide Gani thru his every venture - academic, careerwise, personal and anything wat so ever. My irresponsibility and my stupidity is being borne by you all. Hope Paatte is stable these days. She so loved me and i used to bug her so much. Despite her age all that she did for my sake, sigh... I too wish i were there. But Applu, Please never cry. Blog me whenever u just cant control. I know how tough it is. I can feel it cos i too cant express how much i miss you all. i know how much it pains for my Applu.
You are always my icon, my idol, my hero. dont degrade urself. It hurts me.
Try yoga and meditate as much as you can, Applu.
I'll communicate thru every possible means that others cannot c or feel. I'll blend my soul in yours.
Luv ever
Wam Bam Ram
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